Crush’ing News

4 06 2014

I love it when a plan comes together and the fact that the radiation was doing it’s job on this buggery new tumor gave us just the boost we needed to believe all would be well.  However, after my radiation treatment this morning, we met with my radiologist, Dr. Littles who informed us that there is an overlap on my spine that requires radiation but also received radiation last year. In this type of case, more harm than good could come of it.  In my case, irreversible damage to my spine, possibly causing paralysis.

We chose radiation over surgery because there are so many possible risks involved with surgery, not to mention 4-6 months of recuperation time.  In that time, I would be unable to receive chemotherapy or any other treatment, let alone travel to receive the treatment.


Here we are burning away the tumor, having positive results and happy that a plan is in place that is working and BAM!  We should no longer use radiation treatment.  Ironically, the Sirius 70s station played at the Radiology Center started the song, “Burn, Baby Burn (Disco Inferno)” while I was receiving treatment this morning…lol.  Thought that was funny.  I needed that giggle.

The news from Dr. Littles really upset me because we already knew treatment options were pretty much exhausted.  We didn’t know what to expect.

Hubs had set up an appointment with my oncologist so we could get the low down on what to do next, especially since we had not seen him since I was admitted to the hospital Saturday.  Being that my tumor grew so fast and resisted the last chemotheraphy treatment I received, Dr. Hurtubise wants us to go to Texas to MD Anderson ASAP.  Time is of the essence since the little bugger popped up so quickly.  Specializing in ONLY cancer, MD Anderson is the best in the nation.  This gives me hope.  The news today absolutely crushed and devastated my positive spirit that I have worked so hard to maintain over the last 13 months.

The idea of this journey continuing or worse, me getting sicker or possibly dying, leaving my girls and Fred brings me to my knees. It terrifies me.  Those poor girls have already lost so much and I don’t want to leave them.   There are graduations, weddings, grandkids and other major milestones I want to witness and I’m sure they want me to take part in.

The doc says, my odds “are not zero”.  Yeah.  I like my stats, I’m a total stats nerd but being told that my odds are not zero does not exactly build a lot of confidence.  I make light of this but I am struggling to maintain my composure at this point and not break down for the 1,000th time today.

I need to research MD Anderson and learn what they have to offer.  A dear friend who is housing us during our stay in Texas has already poked around their website and has given her thumbs up.  I’ve been too scared to check it out for once because we all know that researching on the internet usually ends up causing more strife!  But I will now, for I hope it gives me the juice I need to boost my positive spirit once again.

Due to the haste at which we need to get to Texas, we are asking for help to pay for the flights. We expect to leave early next week and we will need to fly commercial. I expect that I will stay for treatment instead of coming back with Hubby but he may need to fly back and forth, who knows, I may, too. There is not always time to arrange for the free flights due to the fast-growing nature of this latest tumor.  Time is of the essence.  If you feel compelled to give, please use the following link to make a secure donation Go Fund Me Kindergarten Crush.

And please, share this website, the Kindergarten Crush Facebook page or KCrush Twitter page to spread the word.  I have not worked since my diagnosis 13 months ago so any donation is helpful and so very much appreciated.

Always, your prayers and well wishes go so far.   As I said, I am completely devastated by today’s news and for the first time since this journey began, I am immobilized with fear instead of hope and positivity.  Please keep praying, Peeps.  Thank you for your help. Much love to you all.

“The Climb”, Part 1

26 03 2014

Last October, during one of her class “Write to Music” assignments, my younger daughter, Brynn, wrote how she was sad that our family could not do things together because of my cancer. Her words make me cry.  How dare this bully enter our lives AGAIN, to a SECOND parent, to worry my sweet babies who already went through this before.  But to read Brynn’s words written in response to hearing the Miley Cyruses song, “The Climb”, I am moved and I am inspired.  I believe all will be well:

“I love that song it is a good song to listen to and life has struggles and we get through. And nothing can stop us from what we want to do.  She says in the message of the song, “there’s always gonna be another mountain and I’m gonna have to make it move”. It makes me sad because its sad to think about my mom and whats going on even though she is going to be fine.  So it is true that there is always going to be another day that we can do things we haven’t with each other and that will be and always will be another mountain.”

The 5th grade teachers had considered changing the 5th grader’s annual outreach project from one in which cans of food were donated during a community service project.  After Brynn wrote the above essay, the idea was discussed once more.  It was this paper that inspired her teacher, Kristen Yockey, with a defined purpose: the community service project would benefit a family from the school, and since Brynn is a 5th grade student, the project would be more meaningful for the students.  A perfect fit.

So began approximately 6 weeks of gathering materials and donations and creating crafts which the students then sold to the younger students.  All three fifth grade classes and teachers were involved with the project.

In the next “Write to Music” assignment, the students wrote to “I’m on top of the World” by The Imagine Dragons.  Brynn wrote:

My mom said that it is okay to tell people what is going on in my life.  This whole thing you are doing for us Mrs. Yockey, my whole family is touched. (It’s true. I would cry everytime she would come home with an update, how many materials were donated, how all the kids were enjoying the project. Happy tears. LOTS of happy tears!) I love to have someone feel special and I love that this time its my turn and I love to come to school and have people ask how is your mom and I say she is doing great because she is.  I know everything is going to be okay.

The students raised enough for our family to plan some serious family fun time.  In addition, a parent, and local restaurant owner, Vince Stewart, contributed by gathering donations for a Kalahari Waterpark Resort package, complete with transportation. “Overwhelmed” is an extremely underwhelming description of how touched and flabbergasted we were by the effort of the student, the teachers, Mr. Stewart and the community.

A snow day interfered with the 5th graders presentation of the project results to us so the teachers stopped by our house with a wonderfully written description of the project history and a video of the students in action.  More happy tears- they would not stop! I could not believe that, being so new to the community, our family would be wrapped up in this great big hug!  The efforts by everyone involved inspire me to stay positive and helps me to believe that all WILL be well.

In a “Community Outreach Reflection”, Brynn wrote the following:

  • I’m happy we got to do something for my mom.  She needed a little cheer (very true!)
  • Usually we help other families but people are helping us this year (it’s a wonderful feeling to help others)
  • I had a great time meeting new people from the other classes and working with them. (very cool way for her to meet new people!)
  • I liked that we did not just help my mom we also helped other kids who could not go to the store to buy gifts for their family so that was cool. (Christmas shopping right at school, can’t get better than that!)

The Kalahari trip was this past weekend.  I’ll write a Part Deux later this week.  Until then, I miss volunteering on the Speaker’s Bureau and raising funds for Ele’s Place, a healing center for grieving children that helped both me and Asher after the death of her father. I miss helping local widows with young children.  However, we started paying it forward last Fall when Fred and the girls took part in a couple of fundraisers for a few families struggling with their own cancer issues.

We are not wealthy people, but we are making it through.  A small donation of $25 or so once a month is easily squeezed from our budget. And for such good causes.  People in need.  Locally.  I post about them on my Facebook page, KindergartenCrush from time to time so feel free to check it out if you’re feeling a little Robin Hood-y😉

There is ALWAYS going to be a mountain to climb but if we face it head on and keep taking one step, then another, it isn’t that bad.  Giving is a great way to make you feel better about your own mountain.  Keep those chins up, Peeps.🙂 xoxo

Walking Like an Egyptian…Almost!

2 12 2013

No oxygen machine, no walker or cane…I may not be walking completely normally, or like an Egyptian (yet!), but I am walking unassisted BABY!  Woo hoo!

I feel like a toddler, walking unsure, unsteady and stiff-legged.  Thank God for this and thank God, I am able to climb a step or two.  Each time I do, I remember how I couldn’t even manage one 4″ step into the house not very long ago.  The frustration of not being able to support myself muscularly just to step into the house was maddening- my heart rate would escalate to abnormal heights and it would take every ounce of energy I had for the entire day.  Maddening.   My brain would scream, “WHAT THE HECK?!  Didn’t I run 740 miles last year??? And now, I can’t manage this one, tiny, transitional step???”


Thank God.

Next week, I have one “last” chemo treatment.  Mentally and physically exhausted, I am trying to rest up this week.  My brain hurts as I work it to schedule appointments and manage my everyday tasks.  I hope and pray this is the end of my war with cancer.  A PET scan will be scheduled sometime after this last treatment and we will learn the next step, if there is a next step needed.

Until then, I am going to keep listening to The Bangles and practice walking like an Egyptian.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support.  It means SO very much. Pray on my Warrior Peeps and Crushers! xoxo

Funny Tee Tuesday

29 10 2013

Always wanted to participate in a triathalon…this is not what I had in mind😉


Mother Cancer Brainless Twit

4 10 2013

It’s true that motherhood is a never-ending role.  No matter the task, no matter the weather, moms are on duty.  Rain, sleet, snow and everything else, Moms are “ON”.  Actually, now that I think about it, there’s never an “OFF”. That’s ok though, we were warned. LOL

There’s just oooone little problem: chemo brain.

What a brainless twit I have become.  Wow!  (Please refrain from commenting LOL)

Let me just say that I love math, science and literature.  History, social studies…not so much.  But I can handle 5th grade homework!  Or I used to…

Which brings up another little problem: lack of concentration due to exhaustion.  It is very challenging to check homework with an exhausted brain.  I’m running on fumes, people! I mean really, I lay in bed last night trying, for the life of me, trying to remember why we went to the hospital the day before yesterday.  I just now remembered – post-hospital visit with an Infectious Disease doctor. I couldn’t even remember office surroundings, the nationality of the doctor, his name…nothing, nada, zip, zilch.  Jeez Louise!

Not one to settle for less than the best, I have spent the last 2 chemo-free months working to rebuild my memory skills, or lack thereof, through tricks, games and whatnot.   Remembering the brand on a commercial played moments before, words to favorite songs or what the heck I did yesterday are all blanks.  Great.  Now I’m shooting blanks!

So thank you, Cancer.  As if the pain, numbness, inability to walk and various fun, death-defying complications weren’t enough, You have made me a brainless twit. Mindblowing. (LOL) It’s a little embarrassing when the next word won’t come to mind.  Or, when a doctor asks about a specific symptom experienced but the memory of that event is completely erased.   As a logophile (yes, I had to Google that!), I enjoy learning about words and using those that cut out excessive babble.  If only they would come to mind so I could use them!

Oh I know I’ll get better.  In time.  A whooooole lotta time…sigh.  Just do me a favor –  don’t bother asking about the details of “whatnot”.  I won’t remember.😉

Solace in Sephora

1 10 2013

Talia Castellano loved make-up.  She posted many, many YouTube videos on make-up application.  Aspiring to become a make-up artist one day, she did a fantastic job for a 13-year old girl.  I connected with Talia because, like me, she had cancer, very little hair on her head and used make-up to draw attention to her eyes.  She also lived by one of my favorite mantras, borrowed from the movie, “Finding Nemo”:  Just keep swimming, swimming swimming…

Silly as it may sound, scouring the website of online cosmetics retailer, Sephora, brought me peace.  Shifting focus from cancer, pain and chemotherapy to eye shadow, lip color and nail polish is one of many ways I “check out” of cancer for awhile.

Never one to wear much make-up, I usually choose neutral, natural colors, sometimes adding a thin line of navy and a thin line of forest green eyeliner to my upper lids.  Not having hair can make a person’s face more blank and the eyes get lost.  Playing with more eyeshadow colors like teal or Urban Decay’s Moondust glitter shadows like my favorite, “Midnight Cowboy Rides Again” or “Space Cowboy” let me escape for awhile.  It’s fun to experiment and it allows me to be artsy since I can’t currently partake in my other crafty hobbies.

One more bonus of playing with make-up when you’re sick with cancer – you can make yourself look un-sick.  And anything that puts a positive spin on cancer is good.  These little tricks can help adjust a person’s mood in a heartbeat.  When you look crappy, you feel crappy.  When you look good, you feel just a bit better.

Talia had neuroblastoma and pre-leukemia.  She passed away in July. With 15 million hits on her YouTube make-up tutorials, I know she helped many, many people feel just a bit better.

Just keep swimming, my Warrior Peeps.  Love y’all!

The Cancer Cha Cha

18 09 2013

I was feeling better, moving easier and ready to attack the remaining tumor by seeing a lymphoma specialist at University of Michigan Hospital. Then, out of nowhere, I had a fever. And it skyrocketed in no time from 101 to 104 degrees.  By the time Fred got me to the ER, my temperature was 105, my blood pressure was high and my heart rate elevated.

At some point, my blood pressure dropped drastically low and my body went septic.  Still alert, I was asked for next of kin and if I wanted to be resucitated.  I remember thinking, why is this so serious?  I didn’t understand what was happening nor did I understand that my condition was serious.

We arrived at the ER at approximately 9pm and I stayed until 5am the next morning when my body finally stabilized and I was moved to ICU.  I was awakened from a dream in which I knew I was dying and I worried for the girls, believing they would, one day, be all right. Fortunately, I escaped death once again in my life.

Landing in the ICU, I was understandably confused so when my husband came to visit me, I had no idea what day it was.  The night before and into the morning, the worse my condition became, the less I could vocalize my thoughts.  Brain was not connecting to mouth.

Once alert, I learned that my PICC line had been infected with staph.  Scary.  There was nothing I could have done to avoid it.  I learned that PICC lines should not stay in the body longer than six weeks because the risk of a staph infection is so high.  Mine was in my body for two months.  Great.  My PICC line was removed but a few days later, I had to get another since I would be going home with IV antibiotics to keep fighting the infection.  Fabulous.

By this time, I had so many holes in my body I looked like I tangled with a few vampires! Polka dot fingertips from checking my insulin levels four times a day, the old PICC hole, the new PICC hole, and two Central line holes in my jugular.  Not to mention the still healing area where my port was once.  Lovely!

Two days laying in ICU set back all of the progress I had made prior.  At home, I had started taking steps using one hand to hold on, my legs were so strong.  I could just about stand from a sitting position without using my walker to hang onto.  The setback pissed me off and nearly dying depressed me.

One week after my trip to the ER, I was discharged to go home.  I was eager to leave the hospital and start over again but absolutely terrified to get a staph infection again. Terrified. My approach to life for the last ten years has been not to worry since it doesn’t do any good, it’s bad for your health and things usually do not turn out as bad as you think.  However, this whole staph episode threw that out the window!  I thought those hospital staff were nuts putting another PICC line in my arm!

Fred has helped me calm down.  I’m still nervous but slowly, positive ol’ me is coming back. I’ve been home 5 days.  Progress is slow but I’m hampered by the arm with the new PICC line that’s healing and the shoulder I injured the day I went into the hospital.  Very glad that the CT scan of my shoulder showed no tear in the muscle.  Slowly, strength is returning and the Cancer Cha Cha continues…2 steps forward, 12 steps back!

I am so glad to be home.

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